Previously on Nurse Jackie...
- Mommy! - Mommy!
I thought I'd swing by the hospital today, take you out to lunch.
Today's awful. Can I take a rain check?
It's been raining a lot lately.
Eddie, it's me. I really need to see you this morning.
So if you could just find me as soon as you get in, that'd be great.
Jacks.
- You rang? - My back is killing me.
- For the pain. - Thank you.
Family at home, boyfriend at work, making it back in time to be with husband...
Pretty impressive.
You have a little crush on Eddie?
Yeah, Coop. I have a huge crush on Eddie. We fuck every day at noon.
- How are we on time? - We're good. Just don't get fancy.
Zoey!
Mom, it's me, Fiona.
So she has a kid.
I cannot live with Coop holding this over my head.
If anyone knows how to drive him round the bend, it's you.
- You and I have amazing chemistry. - You are a moron.
I think that temp is on something.
I don't know what your deal is. We don't do that here.
Takes one to know one.
Your daughter Grace is experiencing signs of Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
...just a bunch of fucking idiots.
We're the parents. We're going to decide what's best for her.
They're replacing me with a Pyxis.
They're going to replace you with a fucking robot pill machine?
Tylenol. Blow me.
Ring, Jacks.
Come on.
How are you going to explain a sawn-off wedding ring to Kevin?
I will think of something.
Is this for her broken finger?
Got a little surprise for you when you get off work.
Who is luckier than me?
- Hey. You open? - Come on in.
- Is that your wife? - Jackie.
I met Kevin. And that's a very nice boy you got.
You broke your own finger.
Mommy...
- Jacks. - I think you're a saint.
Every medication removed from the machine
will be traced back to your number, and shortages will not be tolerated.
- Hi. - Well, hello.
- I'm sorry. I'm married. - Yeah? Lucky guy.
Sorry. It's a little sunscreen.
Jackie Peyton bought me a card?
Maybe.
She actually wrote feelings down?
In cursive.
- Yeah. - I like you like this.
You brought soap? She brought soap.
Grace, honey, they're clean from the ocean.
Not really.
- What you got, Fi? - I don't know, but it's really good.
- Is it dead? - I think it's a head.
Yes, it looks like a raccoon head.
Don't, honey! Don't touch it. Do not touch it.
Can I see your phone?
- My phone? - We're going to take a picture.
All right. Knock yourself out.
- We need to mail it. Now. - We do? Right now?
All right. You're the boss.
- Fries? - Yes, four please.
I don't want fries. They're not wearing gloves.
Honey, it's okay.
- So four or... - Yes.
- Three fries. - Four... Okay, three.
Coke, you guys? Root beer?
- Coke. - Grace?
- Gracie? Coke? - Coke, please.
- I guess she's not talking to me. - Four Cokes.
It's getting a little old, that's all I'm saying.
Are you okay?
Jackie, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah. A little too much sun, I think.
- You got beers, right? Hey, you got beer? - I will be with you in one minute.
Man, those fucking girls drink a lot.
- You mind? - I like the short one.
- She's got an ass like kaboom! - Easy, guys.
- We got kids here. - She's, like, one drink away.
Pop that thong and I'm in it, yo. Fuck!
Sorry. We got to go. We're going. Goodbye.
Don't fuck with her.
She's a mother!
- Was that a gunshot? - .22 caliber, I'm guessing.
- Shouldn't we... - Go out there and get shot? No.
Anybody hit? Security mobilized? Good.
- Where were we? - "Several questionable incidents."
Yes.
"Peripherally involved with several questionable incidents.
"Item, severed ear.
"Item, Neil Nutterman.
"Item, Bureau of Narcotic Enforcement."
No.
The emergency department of All Saints has been flagged by the state of New York.
And I have to ask myself, "What's different?"
Okay, but it's not me. I'm not what's different.
The Virgin Mary took one in the shoulder.
What's going on?
I was just telling Zoey here that the shrinkage rate of our Pill-O-Matix
has caught the attention of the state.
- What can I tell you? It's a robot. - This is unacceptable,
- not to mention expensive. - And illegal!
Which is why I've asked Nurse Jackie to talk to you today.
The theme for today is, this is not a candy machine, people.
Jackie.
Apparently, there's been a problem with shrinkage.
No! Not "apparently."
Go ahead, Jackie.
There's been a problem with shrinkage.
And, frankly, any shrinkage makes us all look bad,
- even if it's just Imodium. - And it's never just the Imodium, people.
Sorry. Proceed.
Okay, just so we are all on the same page.
Let's say you get an EDP, attending orders an H and A cocktail.
You enter your PIN number.
The machine will prompt you, patient ID. One two-milligram vial of Ativan.
The drawer pops open.
Machine says that there are 10 vials in the drawer.
Hit "Confirm." You take one vial.
Machine says nine vials remain. Hit "Confirm."
You do the same thing with the Haldol.
So when you were up there, I was watching everyone,
you know, like I do, and a lot of them look really guilty.
- You don't think it's me, do you? - Hey, Jackie!
- We'd like a moment alone. - No, we wouldn't. You can stay.
- House seats. Hair. Fourth row. - That's very impressive, Coop.
Right? Takes place in the '60s. Thought it might take you back.
Okay. Very nice.
- It'd be good for us to spend some time... - "Us"? What "us"? There is no "us."
I thought we got past this weeks ago.
You know, Jackie, this whole "Come here, go away" thing
- is exhausting me. I'm just trying... - There is no come here, it's all go away.
Go away, okay? Just go away.
What do I care?
Trying to do something nice for a nurse, who's a little bit older than me, by the way.
Okay, thanks a lot. I'm going to head back to work.
I bet Thor would buy those from you in a heartbeat.
I mean, if you were at all thinking of... My first perk!
What are we waiting on?
GSW. Four minutes. Really gruesome.
I don't know why she wanted to send it or why you like it, but there you have it.
Kindred spirits, Jacks.
I'm not really interested in any long drawn-out anything,
except to say that I am executive of my mother's estate
and, as such, it would mean the world if I could set up a college fund for the girls,
if for no other reason than taxes.
That's very generous, thank you, but you know it is not just up to me.
Fiona sent me a picture of a dead animal,
knowing full well it would be the highlight of my day.
- We're connected, Jacks. - Yes, there's no denying that, honey.
- That's all I'm asking, no strings attached. - Let me talk to Kevin.
Except, I get to be a godmother. Don't care which one.
- They already have godmothers. - Not giving up.
Ladies, this is Sam. He's our new RN. You remember. He was a temp here.
Yes, we remember him. Drug guy.
I thought there was a hiring freeze.
- No offense. - No, none taken.
I'm just totally grateful to be here.
Yeah, okay. Excuse us a minute.
You know I dismissed him because he was wacked out on benzos, right?
You do read my staffing reports.
He successfully completed a rehabilitation program.
I have a stack of glowing recommendations on my desk.
Not to mention he speaks three languages and he's a lot cheaper than you are.
You get what you pay for.
Mo-Mo was worth three times what you paid him.
And if the hospital is worried about nurses stealing drugs,
maybe you don't want to hire a nurse who's an addict?
- Former addict. - No such thing.
How you doing?
Don't get too comfortable.
New guy. Coop. High five.
Okay, sure.
Listen, I kind of feel like you're getting a lot of the stabbings and gunshots lately.
Mind if I take this one?
Nothing would make me happier than to give you a big, fat gunshot wound.
We call those GSWs for short.
Yeah.
23-year-old female. Her dad's a cop. She reached into the glove compartment,
.357 magnum blew off the top of her palm and three fingers.
Index finger is hanging by a tendon. The rest is wrapped up in the shirt.
On my count. One, two, three.
Okay.
- Out of my way, big guy. - Sorry.
Hi, honey. My name is Jackie. You're okay. You know where you are?
We're going to give you something for the pain.
Are you allergic to any medicines?
- You're okay. You're okay. - Call Lois and have them prep the OR.
Okay.
What about plastics?
She'll be lucky if they can stabilize any of the bones.
I think plastics should weigh in. And look at her when you're talking.
- Why? - Because she's deaf.
If they could stabilize the bones, maybe do a vein graft...
That's a big maybe.
We're talking about the hands of a deaf woman.
- Fine. Call plastics. - Okay, I will.
Yeah? And they'll tell you the same thing.
Twenty hours of surgery for a non-life threatening injury?
Fat fucking chance. It's pudding, Jackie.
What the fuck are you doing over there? You're officially useless.
Get out.
- Can I have some more gauze? - Yes.
You are mad at me. Do not take it out on him.
- Who? Who am I taking it out on? - Thor. He's diabetic. You know that, right?
The guy has a reaction, you go after him like a bully on the playground.
- That's classy, Coop. - I didn't... How am I supposed to know?
He wears a big fucking bracelet that says, "I am diabetic."
I'm sorry.
- Totally worth it. - Come with me.
Someone call me when plastics gets here.
I am so sorry. I didn't time my insulin right.
You can't do that, Thor. Nurses passing out on patients?
- Not good. - I know.
It's a good thing it was Coop. The other doctors don't scare so easy.
God! He can't tell Akalitus that my blood sugar dropped in trauma.
She'll move me to the chemo ward or maternity.
- I love trauma. - You just got to remember to eat.
And you got to lay off the fried shit, and the cake.
Jesus, Thor. What is with you and cake?
I don't drink. I don't smoke. I eat cake.
- Cake is good. - It's comfort food.
Why do the things that are so bad for you make you feel the best?
I hear you.
- I get why I make you nervous. - I'm sorry?
That time when I was fucked up and I told you it takes one to know one?
I had no right to say that.
And I have no idea what you're talking about.
But if you ever want to talk or go to a meeting...
I'm sorry. Can we get something straight right now?
You and I are not buddies. You got it?
- If you say so. - Good.
No, you listen to me.
I spent my day off at a pathetic medical equipment auction in New Jersey,
bidding on a refurbished Medfusion syringe pump for the ER.
I won. I put it on my credit card. You approved this.
If I don't have a check on my desk in the morning,
I'm going to come down there and kick your ass!
Thank you, Monsignor. Have a good day.
Come in.
- Got a minute? - Certainly.
I need to lodge a formal complaint against a nurse.
Super.
- It's Nurse Jackie. - Really?
She constantly challenges my decisions, is bossy and rude and unpleasant.
Bully. That's the word. She's a bully.
There's a chain of command here that she refuses to acknowledge.
I am at the top of that chain of command, okay?
She is at the bottom and I am at the top.
If this were a food pyramid, I would be the steak.
Technically, I think fats and oils are at the top of the food pyramid, but...
I am a good fucking doctor.
And for a nurse, a nurse, to be messing with my head
by constantly undermining me?
Am I going too fast? 'Cause I can slow down if you need me to.
More time to write.
What happens when a patient gets wheeled in here one day,
and that poor guy
sees Jackie yelling at me like I'm the world's biggest asshole?
How do you think it makes the patient feel?
I don't think it makes him feel any better.
Thanks. I'll get into this.
That was good.
I feel better.
That was good.
His name is Mr. Merz. He's the deaf woman's husband.
He's having trouble with his insurance. I didn't know what else to do.
Okay, I got it.
- Hey, Mr. Merz, my name is Jackie. - They're saying we're not covered.
I pay $425 a month. They're saying they won't cover the procedure.
Okay. Do you know if you have something called catastrophic coverage?
I don't know. I've been on hold for 20 minutes.
All right. Why don't you let me talk to them?
You go be with your wife and I'll come and find you later. Okay?
Go this way.
You are absolutely right, Amanda.
People should definitely read their policies more closely,
but she does have $50,000 in hospital coverage.
That should take care of the surgery, right?
Well, she's deaf, so I think she does need her hand.
A cost-per-finger breakdown?
Okay, you know what? Can I talk to your supervisor, please?
What's his name? Andrew, can you do me a favor?
Will you walk me through this like I'm an idiot?
What is her per-day coverage? $3,000?
She's racked up more than that in IV fluids. So they are liable for the whole thing?
Andrew, can I ask you a question? Are you from the Midwest?
Chicago. South Side.
I think that South Side Irish is completely different from West Side Irish,
but that's just me. God, no. Queens.
But my uncle moved out there and sold beer at Comiskey, so I know.
I'm going to go way out on a limb here...
Have you ever been to Donohue's?
Right! Yes, Peter and his brothers. They are hilarious!
No, I can't imagine selling people something they can't use.
It's got to be awful going to work every day.
And then with your father passing away like that...
See, no, we've been through this already, Andy.
You do not need to talk to him. This is your moment.
You can do this. Step up, Andy. You can do the right thing.
All right. You know what?
Why don't you just take the fax number? You can do that, right?
44-year-old male swallowed a 30-count bottle of Xanax.
Time-release, so we've got a little wiggle room.
- Don't know how many he took. - I'm betting 30.
Right. One, two, three.
What do we got?
Overdose.
He's going to need to be lavaged. Right. Roll him.
- Jackie, I'd rather Sam be here. - Yes, I bet you would.
- How long ago did he ingest? - I'm guessing 20.
Let's drop in an NG and give him charcoal and...
Jackie, really. Go.
Will you send in Sam, please?
- You okay? - Yeah. They need you in there.
Are you sick?
No, honey.
Hi.
What are you making?
Yeah, there's cheddar cheese in the bin,
and there's some English muffins in the freezer.
Yeah, do me a favor? Can you check the date on those eggs?
They've been sitting in there for a while.
No, that's okay. You go take care of it. I love you, too.
Bye.
- I am not responsible for that. - I know.
- The guy had to know it might kill him. - He's a pharmacist, he should know better.
Wheeled into the place that fired you? That sucks.
Would you guys shut up or talk about something else?
What did you just do?
Hey. Look who's talking to me.
Thank you.
- You scared the shit out of me. - That was the point.
I'm a pharmacist. I know exactly how much not to take.
Nobody knows how much not to take.
You look great, by the way.
You are fucking psychotic.
The Sun, Mercury, Venus,
Earth, Mars, Saturn.
You missed one.
It's the one with all the moons.
- Jupiter! - Jupiter.
It doesn't matter.
The sun's going to explode and eat up all the other planets anyways.
Hey!
- What are you doing home? - I left early and I bought dinner.
- Cake for dinner? - Cake is good.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. I get a corner piece.
Let's have cake!